Chapter 10 The Nature Of Transformation

Objective: By the end of this session each participant will write a principle as a new possibility or mission statement to bring about lasting change in their lives and their community.

The Nature of Transformation

 

Thinking of myself while trying to change me, is pointless. Changing me requires something outside of me. That something is always present in the form of other people in my community. We have been saying that we are free to choose the meaning of any event in our lives. Actually, real change comes at a deeper level. That level is at the level of how am I being towards other people and/or my community? When I choose to see people as real and having needs as real as my own I am being real. I have not only changed myself, I have changed my response to the event, and I have recreated the event itself. The same is true of my community. I can choose my response to my community but at a deeper level the way I be see my community is the way it will show up in my life. Feeling care and compassion, I have recovered my sense of what others need. I see things I can do, things I should do and things I must do. The responsive way of being always entails taking action in the service of others, otherwise who I am is just a theory. If I feel what I should do and betray it, I am deceiving myself. When I feel what I should do and do it, I am being who I really am. This is how I can recreate community. By being real, I am no longer stuck in the drama triangle.

The Drama Triangle

PERSECUTOR

RESCUER

VICTIM

The Choice

Freud noticed that people often are blind to their actual motivations and fail to understand their influence on others. He also noticed that this blindness seems willful. That is, to the outside observer, it appears that people systematically create their own obstacles to well-being—without knowing they are creating them—and then resist any attempts to overcome those obstacles. This creates a paradox. How can one who is blind to the trouble he has created see and resist so perfectly any attempts to correct that trouble? Modern psychology began as an attempt to explain this paradox, a paradox that has become known as “self-deception.”¹

 Principles vs. Standards

In our lives we get caught between standards and principles. Standards keep use mired in this self-deception. A standard is a rule I use to dictate how I want to be treated by other people. Living by my standards puts the center of my control outside myself thus making me a victim of my circumstances, and then I blame my circumstances for my misery.

Faulty core beliefs are the core of our self-defeating behaviors and our self-deception. During the time I participated in a 12 step recovery program I had the opportunity to do a step 4 which is, “a deep searching, written moral inventory of one’s life. The purpose of that step is to look in all the dark corners of your life to discover ideas or concepts that may be at the core of your faulty thinking. During the process of putting this 32 page document in writing I came across a standard I had set up to dictate the way I wanted other people to treat me. The standard was, “I would be happy if all the people in my circle of influence treated with dignity, respect and unconditional positive regard. Quoting Garrison Keeler, I didn’t want people just to say nice speech,” I wanted them to say as they lifted their faces from the carpet, “On great and learned one, we are honored by your presence. Thank you ever so much for shedding your brilliant light upon us and blessing our lives with your great wisdom and knowledge.” This is a little exaggerated but I could really identify with it when I heard him say it. Simply said my standard was, “If those around me are worshipping me I would be happy.”²

The problem with living our lives by false standards puts the center of control of our lives outside ourselves and creates a context of frustration and anger we get stuck with. The 2% of the time that this standard may be in effect I felt like a king but the other 98% of the time I am just frustrated and angry.

          One night after attending a training seminar I was driving my wife home in her car. As I stopped in the driveway of the parking lot to put on my seat belt I happened to be in the path of an automatic sprinkler. My wife was trying to salvage her recent was job and said, “I would appreciate it if you didn’t get canal water on my car.” She just violated my standard. She was not worshipping me. My anger ignited and my sarcasm flowed out. “Well then when we get home I will lick it off.”

          The following exercise is designed to help you uncover the depth of a core belief that may be the source of much of the frustration in your life.  To discover your own faulty standard for happiness ask yourself the following questions:

1. What is the key to my happiness? What would it take to make me truly happy?
2. I would be happy if_________________________________________

_________________________________________________________.

1. What is missing in my life the presence of which would make me truly happy?___________________________________________________.
2. What situations push my buttons and make me angry? ____________ __________________________________________________________.
3. Write your standard here. ____________________________________ _________________________________________________________.
4. What is there about this standard that is and might continue to cause you trouble? ___________________________________________________ __________________________________________________________.

Life becomes better when we switch from standards to principles. I principle is a rule I use to dictate how I will treat other people thus giving me back the control of my life. My new principle might be, “I will treat everyone I meet with dignity and respect no matter what.”

Please record what your new principle might be. ­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­___________________________ __________________________________________________________________

Stated as a mission or possibility statement: Recognizing that all behavior makes sense in the context in which it occurs, I am creating the possibility for myself and my life the possibility of being an effective listener in each of my associations with other people, thereby being a positive influence to assist in transforming their speaking to a new language that will make a significant difference in helping them achieve that which is most important in their lives.

Write principle here as a possibility statement.

__________________________________________________________________

¹The Arbinger Institute, The Choice. The Arbinger Institute. Salt Lake City, Utah, 1998.

²Keoller, Garrison, Lake Wobegon Days.  Viking Penguin Books New York, 1986.

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